I'm in the midst of a bad stretch of days. Just feeling down. I always try my hardest to stay positive, but sometimes it doesn't seem to be a choice. I have been having grief waves like crazy. I have been emotional, hormonal and on the edge. I've been moody and seem to have lost my filter when it comes to my mouth. I'm praying this ends... SOON!
And, to make matters worse, I am noticing babies everywhere. I watch stupid shows like Teen Mom which makes me just want a baby. I got a coupon in today's mail for my new baby announcements. Dave and I were talking tonight about how weird it is that we would be taking care of a new baby right now. It's sad. I'm sad. I hope the torture ends soon. Ugh...
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Resolutions in progress...
I am feeling accomplished. Well, not quite accomplished, but at least I have the feeling like I am getting somewhere. I have started the year on the right foot. I am making some progress on the resolutions that I set for myself this year.
First off, I went to church on Sunday. It felt so good. It is so easy to go to church - I don't know why it always feels like a task. I also started listening to my Joyce Meyer CD's again on my way to work today. The message I am listening to is on living a life of excellence and integrity. It is such a simple message - basically act like a courteous, loving and responsible individual. That shouldn't be too hard, right? We'll see. In the meantime, I will keep on listening and hope that the message soaks in.
I also ordered a new set of CD's from Joyce earlier this week. That message is on the cause and cure for worry. Yet another thing that I need to work on. I am getting better, but once again it will help to hear the message when necessary. It's nice to get a good message daily on my way to work. It's a great start to every day!
I enrolled in the Nutrition 4 Weight Loss class at Nutritional Weight and Wellness. It starts on January 11th and I feel really good about starting the program again. And, I am sure there will be some updated information since the last class I took, so I will get some new helpful hints. Can't hurt, that's for sure! On my way to living the weight and wellness way, as I resolved to.
Btw - I interviewed for the part time job that they had open at NWW. Kory (the owner's son) was very impressed with me. He needed more flexibility than I could offer however. He said he would keep my information in case he gets another opening and would contact me. I hope he will - it would be so cool to work there. If I can't actually be a Nutritionist, it would be the next best thing!
Another resolution that I've (kind of) started working on is the training for the Race for the Cure 5K. Well, I guess I haven't actually started anything - but I did help Dave get the workout area in the basement all cleaned up and organized. It is ready for someone to work out down there. Now, I just have to start! I figure I will start by walking. I will continue walking for about 4-6 weeks to get my endurance and cardio up as well as shed some pounds. This will help me to be more successful in my actual training. I found a "Couch to 5K" plan online that gives you a training regiment. This is an 8 week plan. I figure as of today I have 16 weeks to prepare. That should be plenty of time, right? Right!
I also resolved to learn more about photography and to buy a fancy pants camera. I learned that my friend Kristin has a Canon 30D that she adores. I would like to get a camera that someone I know has some experience with. That camera runs about $1500, so unless I can find it (or a similar model) used, I don't know how soon I would be able to purchase the camera. In the meantime, I have found some Community Ed classes that are cheap and promise to teach you more about digital photography. Maybe I could keep my camera, but learn Photoshop and get that software instead to edit my pictures. It would be cheaper and I would like to learn more about different ways to edit shots. We'll see what happens with this.
Last, but not least, is the financial resolution. This area is not going so great for me. I haven't even looked at our budget for January and we are already almost a week into the month. I plan to get into the budget this weekend. I will get us back on track.
Finally, I feel that I have to mention that we lost Pastor and Kathie Voss this week. They are now in Heaven. It was a sad week and probably more sad days to come with the funerals. But, I keep telling myself that they are together in the best place they can be. I think that looking at the life that they lived is an inspiration. He was a wonderful mentor to me in my teenage years.
In closing, I would like to quote Pastor Voss... he would always say "Now, go out and give 'em Heaven!" Loved that guy. Rest in Peace...
First off, I went to church on Sunday. It felt so good. It is so easy to go to church - I don't know why it always feels like a task. I also started listening to my Joyce Meyer CD's again on my way to work today. The message I am listening to is on living a life of excellence and integrity. It is such a simple message - basically act like a courteous, loving and responsible individual. That shouldn't be too hard, right? We'll see. In the meantime, I will keep on listening and hope that the message soaks in.
I also ordered a new set of CD's from Joyce earlier this week. That message is on the cause and cure for worry. Yet another thing that I need to work on. I am getting better, but once again it will help to hear the message when necessary. It's nice to get a good message daily on my way to work. It's a great start to every day!
I enrolled in the Nutrition 4 Weight Loss class at Nutritional Weight and Wellness. It starts on January 11th and I feel really good about starting the program again. And, I am sure there will be some updated information since the last class I took, so I will get some new helpful hints. Can't hurt, that's for sure! On my way to living the weight and wellness way, as I resolved to.
Btw - I interviewed for the part time job that they had open at NWW. Kory (the owner's son) was very impressed with me. He needed more flexibility than I could offer however. He said he would keep my information in case he gets another opening and would contact me. I hope he will - it would be so cool to work there. If I can't actually be a Nutritionist, it would be the next best thing!
Another resolution that I've (kind of) started working on is the training for the Race for the Cure 5K. Well, I guess I haven't actually started anything - but I did help Dave get the workout area in the basement all cleaned up and organized. It is ready for someone to work out down there. Now, I just have to start! I figure I will start by walking. I will continue walking for about 4-6 weeks to get my endurance and cardio up as well as shed some pounds. This will help me to be more successful in my actual training. I found a "Couch to 5K" plan online that gives you a training regiment. This is an 8 week plan. I figure as of today I have 16 weeks to prepare. That should be plenty of time, right? Right!
I also resolved to learn more about photography and to buy a fancy pants camera. I learned that my friend Kristin has a Canon 30D that she adores. I would like to get a camera that someone I know has some experience with. That camera runs about $1500, so unless I can find it (or a similar model) used, I don't know how soon I would be able to purchase the camera. In the meantime, I have found some Community Ed classes that are cheap and promise to teach you more about digital photography. Maybe I could keep my camera, but learn Photoshop and get that software instead to edit my pictures. It would be cheaper and I would like to learn more about different ways to edit shots. We'll see what happens with this.
Last, but not least, is the financial resolution. This area is not going so great for me. I haven't even looked at our budget for January and we are already almost a week into the month. I plan to get into the budget this weekend. I will get us back on track.
Finally, I feel that I have to mention that we lost Pastor and Kathie Voss this week. They are now in Heaven. It was a sad week and probably more sad days to come with the funerals. But, I keep telling myself that they are together in the best place they can be. I think that looking at the life that they lived is an inspiration. He was a wonderful mentor to me in my teenage years.
In closing, I would like to quote Pastor Voss... he would always say "Now, go out and give 'em Heaven!" Loved that guy. Rest in Peace...
Friday, December 31, 2010
New Year, New You...
My due date for Bethany is right around the corner. January 3rd. Seems no one remembers this except for me. But, that's okay. It's strange... while I feel that everyone should be remembering me and my significant dates, I think it's helping me to grow by realizing the world truly doesn't revolve around me. If all I think about is me, me, me - when do I have time to think about anyone else? I think that's why Christmas went so well for me. I was not focusing on my worries and my circumstances (or lack thereof). I was focusing on making sure I was getting the right gifts for everyone and making sure I shipped my long distance gifts and Christmas cards on time. I was focusing on making great food for the Christmas parties that I was attending. I was focused on the bake auction at work and making it successful. With all of this on my mind, I didn't really stop to feel sorry for myself and that makes me so thankful.
And now, instead of focusing on the fact that January 3rd is just another day instead of my due date, I will focus on my resolutions and actually keeping them this year. I want to get pregnant again - that's for sure. But, it's not going to be a resolution. It's going to be God-willing. Oh sure, we will "try", but we can only be successful if it is God's will and I understand that.
My resolutions for 2011 are...
Happy New Year! I know 2011 is going to be GREAT!
And, here's to a new me...
And now, instead of focusing on the fact that January 3rd is just another day instead of my due date, I will focus on my resolutions and actually keeping them this year. I want to get pregnant again - that's for sure. But, it's not going to be a resolution. It's going to be God-willing. Oh sure, we will "try", but we can only be successful if it is God's will and I understand that.
My resolutions for 2011 are...
- I plan to start attending church on a weekly basis. This is so important. Dave and I need to put God first and make time and room for Him in our lives. That is the only way we will have the great life that we yearn for.
- I plan to live in the Dave Ramsey plan for the entire year. I want to see how much Dave and I can accomplish when it comes to organizing our finances and reducing our debt in one year.
- I plan to start training to run in the Race for the Cure 5K on May 8th, 2011 in honor of Bethany. This event takes place on Mother's Day, so I feel since I would have been a mother by then, I should do something else to honor the fact I am not. I think this is an excellent goal to help me get in better shape and lose the weight I need to lose.
- I plan to eat healthier. I want a support system again in order to do this. I loved when I took classes at my Nutritionist's office. I was so proud to be able to coach people on this lifestyle. But, now, I am out of control and need to get on track. I have even applied to work there part time. I am praying that they hire me - that would be so awesome! I plan to take their 12 week course on Nutrition 4 Weight Loss.
- I plan to finally take the photography course(s) that I have been so interested in forever. I plan to get my fancy pants camera. This is so important to me. I want to take great, beautiful, quality portraits of my family and friends. These memories will last forever.
- Last, but not least, I plan to be a better wife. It is almost our one year wedding anniversary and I believe Dave has put up with more in this first year than any husband should have to in a lifetime. I want to turn my life around and by making myself healthier and happier I believe I will be a better wife to the best husband I've ever had.
Happy New Year! I know 2011 is going to be GREAT!
And, here's to a new me...
Friday, November 19, 2010
One more month...
At work, I keep telling myself "just one more month". One more month of having to deal with my pregnant co-workers. The two pregos that are left are both due within the next month. This week has hit me especially hard because reminders seem to be right in front of my face on a consistent basis.
It started last Friday when my manager asked me if I had plans to coordinate a gift card gift for my supervisor, Stacy. I normally do this sort of thing for our group, so it's just natural that I would be in charge of this. However, I hadn't planned on getting her a gift card. I thought since this was her second child, she didn't really need one! Although, I guess I didn't think about the fact that we do usually get a gift card for any new baby. Anyway, my manager asked if I would be okay sending an email to the group and collecting the money from the other employees. I, of course, said YES! I would be just fine doing this! The thing is, I am fine doing it. It doesn't really bother me at all. The problem is when I realized that they probably would have been doing the same thing for me right now and now they have no reason to.
Another "trigger" was when Stacy bumped into the desk with her belly. She has popped in the last week or so, and she's not used to the belly quite yet. You see, our due dates were just 2 weeks apart, so watching her getting bigger and bigger sometimes seems to hit me between the eyes. I should be that big right now.
Then, on Wednesday I realized that there was a small baby shower being held in honor of the other pregnant girl in our office. She is due in a couple of weeks. She was about 4 weeks ahead of my due date.
On Thursday, my desk mate, whose wife is 22 weeks prego with twins, got a frantic call from her. She was scared. Something wasn't right. I could hear her freaking out on the phone and he had to leave quickly to meet her at the clinic. This brought back a FLOOD of emotion and flashbacks. I was so scared for them. And, I was sad for myself again because I still can't believe I went through losing my baby. As of now, everything is okay with her. Me, on the other hand, I'm not sure.
And then we come to today. I was fine. I went to my 8:15 meeting this morning where my branch manager announced that one girl was back from maternity leave; another girl was due in 2 weeks; Stacy is due in 5 weeks; and to "not drink the water" because EVERYONE is pregnant! Isn't it GREAT?!?! Well, not for me. I have to be honest... it's a bummer for me. It's hard enough to walk around the office and be faced with pregos. And now I'm in a meeting and it's a TOPIC OF CONVERSATION?!?!?! Thanks a lot everyone for thinking about my feelings. So, what happened? I started to tear up. Then, our training started - the FISH philosophy video - and I started to CRY. Since no one would understand why the FISH video would make me cry, I decided to step away from the meeting and hide in the bathroom. That wasn't quite good enough, so I went outside to smoke. That still didn't quite help completely, but at least it numbed some of the pain.
So, I figure I have to stay strong for one more month. Once these ladies that are so close to my due date have their babies, it will help me to move forward. When I get through Christmas and past my due date, it will help me to move forward. I just need to continue with forward progress. Weeks like this week made me feel as if I was starting to move backward again. I just need to wait one more month...
It started last Friday when my manager asked me if I had plans to coordinate a gift card gift for my supervisor, Stacy. I normally do this sort of thing for our group, so it's just natural that I would be in charge of this. However, I hadn't planned on getting her a gift card. I thought since this was her second child, she didn't really need one! Although, I guess I didn't think about the fact that we do usually get a gift card for any new baby. Anyway, my manager asked if I would be okay sending an email to the group and collecting the money from the other employees. I, of course, said YES! I would be just fine doing this! The thing is, I am fine doing it. It doesn't really bother me at all. The problem is when I realized that they probably would have been doing the same thing for me right now and now they have no reason to.
Another "trigger" was when Stacy bumped into the desk with her belly. She has popped in the last week or so, and she's not used to the belly quite yet. You see, our due dates were just 2 weeks apart, so watching her getting bigger and bigger sometimes seems to hit me between the eyes. I should be that big right now.
Then, on Wednesday I realized that there was a small baby shower being held in honor of the other pregnant girl in our office. She is due in a couple of weeks. She was about 4 weeks ahead of my due date.
On Thursday, my desk mate, whose wife is 22 weeks prego with twins, got a frantic call from her. She was scared. Something wasn't right. I could hear her freaking out on the phone and he had to leave quickly to meet her at the clinic. This brought back a FLOOD of emotion and flashbacks. I was so scared for them. And, I was sad for myself again because I still can't believe I went through losing my baby. As of now, everything is okay with her. Me, on the other hand, I'm not sure.
And then we come to today. I was fine. I went to my 8:15 meeting this morning where my branch manager announced that one girl was back from maternity leave; another girl was due in 2 weeks; Stacy is due in 5 weeks; and to "not drink the water" because EVERYONE is pregnant! Isn't it GREAT?!?! Well, not for me. I have to be honest... it's a bummer for me. It's hard enough to walk around the office and be faced with pregos. And now I'm in a meeting and it's a TOPIC OF CONVERSATION?!?!?! Thanks a lot everyone for thinking about my feelings. So, what happened? I started to tear up. Then, our training started - the FISH philosophy video - and I started to CRY. Since no one would understand why the FISH video would make me cry, I decided to step away from the meeting and hide in the bathroom. That wasn't quite good enough, so I went outside to smoke. That still didn't quite help completely, but at least it numbed some of the pain.
So, I figure I have to stay strong for one more month. Once these ladies that are so close to my due date have their babies, it will help me to move forward. When I get through Christmas and past my due date, it will help me to move forward. I just need to continue with forward progress. Weeks like this week made me feel as if I was starting to move backward again. I just need to wait one more month...
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Closure...
Well, today we buried little Bethany. She was buried in a group service at Resurrection Cemetery, where her brother was also buried exactly 9 months ago today. The service was so nice and reassured us that Bethany is in a beautiful, peaceful place now. I know that we wish she could still be growing in my belly right now, but I guess the idea that she is in Heaven playing with her brother and Sasha and Buddy is very comforting. She is also buried very close to her brother which made me feel better too. We stood by his head stone during the graveside service.
I am feeling confident and hopeful that Dave and I will never have to experience burying a child again. We are going to stay positive that when we get pregnant again we will have much better results. It dawned on me during the service today that losing Hank and Bethany has changed me. While I am so sad that they are gone, losing them has strengthened my faith and softened my heart. For this, I am thankful.
So, even though I labeled this post "closure" doesn't mean that my feelings are gone. It's just the start of the next chapter in my life and progress in moving forward. I will never forget Bethany and Hank - they will forever hold a piece of my heart.
Rest in Peace to my Angel Babies:
Baby Boy "Hank" Anderson taken from me on October 13, 2009 and buried February 6, 2010
Bethany Sara Anderson born/died August 8, 2010 and buried November 6, 2010
Mommy and Daddy will always love you both! We will meet again someday...
I am feeling confident and hopeful that Dave and I will never have to experience burying a child again. We are going to stay positive that when we get pregnant again we will have much better results. It dawned on me during the service today that losing Hank and Bethany has changed me. While I am so sad that they are gone, losing them has strengthened my faith and softened my heart. For this, I am thankful.
So, even though I labeled this post "closure" doesn't mean that my feelings are gone. It's just the start of the next chapter in my life and progress in moving forward. I will never forget Bethany and Hank - they will forever hold a piece of my heart.
Rest in Peace to my Angel Babies:
Baby Boy "Hank" Anderson taken from me on October 13, 2009 and buried February 6, 2010
Bethany Sara Anderson born/died August 8, 2010 and buried November 6, 2010
Mommy and Daddy will always love you both! We will meet again someday...
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Where do I belong...
I don't know who I am really anymore. I have said that I don't want to be defined by the loss of my baby. I just want to be normal again. But, the honest truth is that I can't be the way I was before. I need to define a new normal.
My friends and family just don't understand. That's the easiest way to explain it. They don't understand that I still need someone to recognize my loss. They don't understand how to empathize with me. The hardest part of expecting some ackowledgement is that my friends and family don't understand the depth of my loss to begin with. Until someone has actually experienced losing a baby like this, you just can't fathom the pain. In the case of losing a parent, grandparent, sibling or even a spouse, there is some sort of empathy that one can have. It's easier to imagine losing one of these members of your own family because you can easily define your relationship with these people. You can easily notice how your life would be so different without them. However, in the baby loss world, it's a little harder for people to identify with because I was the only one who actually got to know my child. My husband didn't even really know her until he saw her after she was born sleeping. My family and friends didn't know her either. Most of these people have children of their own, but they can't compare losing their child with me losing my unborn baby.
Well, I was really confused about this and even spoke in my last posts about the fact that I was possibly feeling sorry for myself because I don't feel like people care anymore. The nice thing is that while I'm feeling like I don't quite fit in with my friends and family, there is a community out there where I do belong now. The baby loss community. I just read another baby loss mom's blog about the same exact thing. She is feeling down because no one seems to want to remember her baby anymore. Everyone is afraid to bring it up and if she brings it up in conversation everyone tightens up and gets really uncomfortable. I can completely relate! I want to talk about my baby. I want to reflect on my pregnancy during some conversations, but the problem is that when I do, it seems to make everyone uncomfortable. At least now I know that this happens to other people, too. I don't feel so bad for being different now. I guess I've been foolish and unrealistic that I could ever get back to the "normal" that I was before. Now, I guess I have to take some time to get to know the new me and start working on a new "normal". It may not be so bad... :)
My friends and family just don't understand. That's the easiest way to explain it. They don't understand that I still need someone to recognize my loss. They don't understand how to empathize with me. The hardest part of expecting some ackowledgement is that my friends and family don't understand the depth of my loss to begin with. Until someone has actually experienced losing a baby like this, you just can't fathom the pain. In the case of losing a parent, grandparent, sibling or even a spouse, there is some sort of empathy that one can have. It's easier to imagine losing one of these members of your own family because you can easily define your relationship with these people. You can easily notice how your life would be so different without them. However, in the baby loss world, it's a little harder for people to identify with because I was the only one who actually got to know my child. My husband didn't even really know her until he saw her after she was born sleeping. My family and friends didn't know her either. Most of these people have children of their own, but they can't compare losing their child with me losing my unborn baby.
Well, I was really confused about this and even spoke in my last posts about the fact that I was possibly feeling sorry for myself because I don't feel like people care anymore. The nice thing is that while I'm feeling like I don't quite fit in with my friends and family, there is a community out there where I do belong now. The baby loss community. I just read another baby loss mom's blog about the same exact thing. She is feeling down because no one seems to want to remember her baby anymore. Everyone is afraid to bring it up and if she brings it up in conversation everyone tightens up and gets really uncomfortable. I can completely relate! I want to talk about my baby. I want to reflect on my pregnancy during some conversations, but the problem is that when I do, it seems to make everyone uncomfortable. At least now I know that this happens to other people, too. I don't feel so bad for being different now. I guess I've been foolish and unrealistic that I could ever get back to the "normal" that I was before. Now, I guess I have to take some time to get to know the new me and start working on a new "normal". It may not be so bad... :)
Monday, October 18, 2010
Redirecting...
The computer just flashed the word "Redirecting" as I was logging in. This is the perfect word for my new outlook on life... I am redirecting.
I was thinking back to when a friend of mine was "diagnosed" with depression. The reason I put the word diagnosed in quotations, is because I didn't buy the diagnosis. At the time he was diagnosed, he was married with a 7 year old daughter. He was getting drunk and partying every night (usually at a bar), smoking weed regularly (even at work), using other illicit drugs and crossing a fine line with a female friend of ours. This all was damaging his work life and especially his home life. Instead of looking at what he was doing to create all of this damage, he instead went to a doctor and was diagnosed with depression. He told me that all of what he was doing was because of the depression. I told him that I thought he was using this diagnosis as a crutch to keep on doing these things that he shouldn't be doing. If he really wanted to have a good life, he would stop doing the things he knew was wrong. He knew the difference between right and wrong and he could control it if he wanted to.
Sitting here at home on a day that I called in sick to work, I realized that I may be doing the same thing. Even though I believe that my circumstances are totally different and that part of my problem still lies in my grief and fear that I will never be able to bear a child. But, I think I also have gotten myself stuck in a rut. And, it's time to get out of it!
I think I've been stuck in this rut partly because I have been feeling sorry for myself. I also think I like the attention that I've been getting. I must get an ego boost when my friends tell me I am strong. The truth is, I am not strong at all. I have low self esteem, which makes me work for manufactured compliments to think I'm something that I'm not, but desire to be.
I feel as though I have found a new determination, a redirection. I am determined to ACTUALLY be a strong person. I am determined to GET THROUGH this rut. I keep saying that I will lean on God to show me His will. I need to act on my words and do it. I want to actually do everything that I think I should do.
So, here's the redirection. I am going to focus on getting healthy. This includes eating better, working out, cleaning the house, washing clothes, working hard and saving money. I am going to focus on my body and overcoming any issues that may come up, but not putting any effort into worrying about those issues before they arise. I'm not going to be overly concerned about getting pregnant again right now - first I need to heal properly.
My HOPE is to stay motivated with this new direction. I want to be healthy again - both physically and mentally. Here we go...
I was thinking back to when a friend of mine was "diagnosed" with depression. The reason I put the word diagnosed in quotations, is because I didn't buy the diagnosis. At the time he was diagnosed, he was married with a 7 year old daughter. He was getting drunk and partying every night (usually at a bar), smoking weed regularly (even at work), using other illicit drugs and crossing a fine line with a female friend of ours. This all was damaging his work life and especially his home life. Instead of looking at what he was doing to create all of this damage, he instead went to a doctor and was diagnosed with depression. He told me that all of what he was doing was because of the depression. I told him that I thought he was using this diagnosis as a crutch to keep on doing these things that he shouldn't be doing. If he really wanted to have a good life, he would stop doing the things he knew was wrong. He knew the difference between right and wrong and he could control it if he wanted to.
Sitting here at home on a day that I called in sick to work, I realized that I may be doing the same thing. Even though I believe that my circumstances are totally different and that part of my problem still lies in my grief and fear that I will never be able to bear a child. But, I think I also have gotten myself stuck in a rut. And, it's time to get out of it!
I think I've been stuck in this rut partly because I have been feeling sorry for myself. I also think I like the attention that I've been getting. I must get an ego boost when my friends tell me I am strong. The truth is, I am not strong at all. I have low self esteem, which makes me work for manufactured compliments to think I'm something that I'm not, but desire to be.
I feel as though I have found a new determination, a redirection. I am determined to ACTUALLY be a strong person. I am determined to GET THROUGH this rut. I keep saying that I will lean on God to show me His will. I need to act on my words and do it. I want to actually do everything that I think I should do.
So, here's the redirection. I am going to focus on getting healthy. This includes eating better, working out, cleaning the house, washing clothes, working hard and saving money. I am going to focus on my body and overcoming any issues that may come up, but not putting any effort into worrying about those issues before they arise. I'm not going to be overly concerned about getting pregnant again right now - first I need to heal properly.
My HOPE is to stay motivated with this new direction. I want to be healthy again - both physically and mentally. Here we go...
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