New Year, New You...

My due date for Bethany is right around the corner. January 3rd. Seems no one remembers this except for me. But, that's okay. It's strange... while I feel that everyone should be remembering me and my significant dates, I think it's helping me to grow by realizing the world truly doesn't revolve around me. If all I think about is me, me, me - when do I have time to think about anyone else? I think that's why Christmas went so well for me. I was not focusing on my worries and my circumstances (or lack thereof). I was focusing on making sure I was getting the right gifts for everyone and making sure I shipped my long distance gifts and Christmas cards on time. I was focusing on making great food for the Christmas parties that I was attending. I was focused on the bake auction at work and making it successful. With all of this on my mind, I didn't really stop to feel sorry for myself and that makes me so thankful.

And now, instead of focusing on the fact that January 3rd is just another day instead of my due date, I will focus on my resolutions and actually keeping them this year. I want to get pregnant again - that's for sure. But, it's not going to be a resolution. It's going to be God-willing. Oh sure, we will "try", but we can only be successful if it is God's will and I understand that.

My resolutions for 2011 are...

• I plan to start attending church on a weekly basis. This is so important. Dave and I need to put God first and make time and room for Him in our lives. That is the only way we will have the great life that we yearn for.
• I plan to live in the Dave Ramsey plan for the entire year. I want to see how much Dave and I can accomplish when it comes to organizing our finances and reducing our debt in one year.
• I plan to start training to run in the Race for the Cure 5K on May 8th, 2011 in honor of Bethany. This event takes place on Mother's Day, so I feel since I would have been a mother by then, I should do something else to honor the fact I am not. I think this is an excellent goal to help me get in better shape and lose the weight I need to lose.
• I plan to eat healthier. I want a support system again in order to do this. I loved when I took classes at my Nutritionist's office. I was so proud to be able to coach people on this lifestyle. But, now, I am out of control and need to get on track. I have even applied to work there part time. I am praying that they hire me - that would be so awesome! I plan to take their 12 week course on Nutrition 4 Weight Loss.
• I plan to finally take the photography course(s) that I have been so interested in forever. I plan to get my fancy pants camera. This is so important to me. I want to take great, beautiful, quality portraits of my family and friends. These memories will last forever.
• Last, but not least, I plan to be a better wife. It is almost our one year wedding anniversary and I believe Dave has put up with more in this first year than any husband should have to in a lifetime. I want to turn my life around and by making myself healthier and happier I believe I will be a better wife to the best husband I've ever had.

So, apparently losing Bethany has opened my eyes to being a better person. I've realized that for a while. And now, I can actually put some new practices in place to prove it. Thanks be to God!!!

Happy New Year! I know 2011 is going to be GREAT!

And, here's to a new me...

One more month...

At work, I keep telling myself "just one more month". One more month of having to deal with my pregnant co-workers. The two pregos that are left are both due within the next month. This week has hit me especially hard because reminders seem to be right in front of my face on a consistent basis.

It started last Friday when my manager asked me if I had plans to coordinate a gift card gift for my supervisor, Stacy. I normally do this sort of thing for our group, so it's just natural that I would be in charge of this. However, I hadn't planned on getting her a gift card. I thought since this was her second child, she didn't really need one! Although, I guess I didn't think about the fact that we do usually get a gift card for any new baby. Anyway, my manager asked if I would be okay sending an email to the group and collecting the money from the other employees. I, of course, said YES! I would be just fine doing this! The thing is, I am fine doing it. It doesn't really bother me at all. The problem is when I realized that they probably would have been doing the same thing for me right now and now they have no reason to.

Another "trigger" was when Stacy bumped into the desk with her belly. She has popped in the last week or so, and she's not used to the belly quite yet. You see, our due dates were just 2 weeks apart, so watching her getting bigger and bigger sometimes seems to hit me between the eyes. I should be that big right now.

Then, on Wednesday I realized that there was a small baby shower being held in honor of the other pregnant girl in our office. She is due in a couple of weeks. She was about 4 weeks ahead of my due date. 

On Thursday, my desk mate, whose wife is 22 weeks prego with twins, got a frantic call from her. She was scared. Something wasn't right. I could hear her freaking out on the phone and he had to leave quickly to meet her at the clinic.  This brought back a FLOOD of emotion and flashbacks. I was so scared for them. And, I was sad for myself again because I still can't believe I went through losing my baby. As of now, everything is okay with her. Me, on the other hand, I'm not sure.

And then we come to today. I was fine. I went to my 8:15 meeting this morning where my branch manager announced that one girl was back from maternity leave; another girl was due in 2 weeks; Stacy is due in 5 weeks; and to "not drink the water" because EVERYONE is pregnant! Isn't it GREAT?!?! Well, not for me. I have to be honest... it's a bummer for me. It's hard enough to walk around the office and be faced with pregos. And now I'm in a meeting and it's a TOPIC OF CONVERSATION?!?!?! Thanks a lot everyone for thinking about my feelings. So, what happened? I started to tear up. Then, our training started - the FISH philosophy video - and I started to CRY. Since no one would understand why the FISH video would make me cry, I decided to step away from the meeting and hide in the bathroom. That wasn't quite good enough, so I went outside to smoke. That still didn't quite help completely, but at least it numbed some of the pain.

So, I figure I have to stay strong for one more month. Once these ladies that are so close to my due date have their babies, it will help me to move forward. When I get through Christmas and past my due date, it will help me to move forward. I just need to continue with forward progress. Weeks like this week made me feel as if I was starting to move backward again. I just need to wait one more month...

Closure...

Well, today we buried little Bethany. She was buried in a group service at Resurrection Cemetery, where her brother was also buried exactly 9 months ago today. The service was so nice and reassured us that Bethany is in a beautiful, peaceful place now. I know that we wish she could still be growing in my belly right now, but I guess the idea that she is in Heaven playing with her brother and Sasha and Buddy is very comforting. She is also buried very close to her brother which made me feel better too. We stood by his head stone during the graveside service.

I am feeling confident and hopeful that Dave and I will never have to experience burying a child again. We are going to stay positive that when we get pregnant again we will have much better results. It dawned on me during the service today that losing Hank and Bethany has changed me. While I am so sad that they are gone, losing them has strengthened my faith and softened my heart. For this, I am thankful.

So, even though I labeled this post "closure" doesn't mean that my feelings are gone. It's just the start of the next chapter in my life and progress in moving forward. I will never forget Bethany and Hank - they will forever hold a piece of my heart.

Rest in Peace to my Angel Babies:
Baby Boy "Hank" Anderson taken from me on October 13, 2009 and buried February 6, 2010
Bethany Sara Anderson born/died August 8, 2010 and buried November 6, 2010
Mommy and Daddy will always love you both! We will meet again someday...

Where do I belong...

I don't know who I am really anymore. I have said that I don't want to be defined by the loss of my baby. I just want to be normal again. But, the honest truth is that I can't be the way I was before. I need to define a new normal.

My friends and family just don't understand. That's the easiest way to explain it. They don't understand that I still need someone to recognize my loss. They don't understand how to empathize with me. The hardest part of expecting some ackowledgement is that my friends and family don't understand the depth of my loss to begin with. Until someone has actually experienced losing a baby like this, you just can't fathom the pain. In the case of losing a parent, grandparent, sibling or even a spouse, there is some sort of empathy that one can have. It's easier to imagine losing one of these members of your own family because you can easily define your relationship with these people. You can easily notice how your life would be so different without them. However, in the baby loss world, it's a little harder for people to identify with because I was the only one who actually got to know my child. My husband didn't even really know her until he saw her after she was born sleeping. My family and friends didn't know her either. Most of these people have children of their own, but they can't compare losing their child with me losing my unborn baby.

Well, I was really confused about this and even spoke in my last posts about the fact that I was possibly feeling sorry for myself because I don't feel like people care anymore. The nice thing is that while I'm feeling like I don't quite fit in with my friends and family, there is a community out there where I do belong now. The baby loss community. I just read another baby loss mom's blog about the same exact thing. She is feeling down because no one seems to want to remember her baby anymore. Everyone is afraid to bring it up and if she brings it up in conversation everyone tightens up and gets really uncomfortable. I can completely relate! I want to talk about my baby. I want to reflect on my pregnancy during some conversations, but the problem is that when I do, it seems to make everyone uncomfortable. At least now I know that this happens to other people, too. I don't feel so bad for being different now. I guess I've been foolish and unrealistic that I could ever get back to the "normal" that I was before. Now, I guess I have to take some time to get to know the new me and start working on a new "normal". It may not be so bad...   :)

Redirecting...

The computer just flashed the word "Redirecting" as I was logging in. This is the perfect word for my new outlook on life... I am redirecting.

I was thinking back to when a friend of mine was "diagnosed" with depression. The reason I put the word diagnosed in quotations, is because I didn't buy the diagnosis. At the time he was diagnosed, he was married with a 7 year old daughter. He was getting drunk and partying every night (usually at a bar), smoking weed regularly (even at work), using other illicit drugs and crossing a fine line with a female friend of ours. This all was damaging his work life and especially his home life. Instead of looking at what he was doing to create all of this damage, he instead went to a doctor and was diagnosed with depression. He told me that all of what he was doing was because of the depression. I told him that I thought he was using this diagnosis as a crutch to keep on doing these things that he shouldn't be doing. If he really wanted to have a good life, he would stop doing the things he knew was wrong. He knew the difference between right and wrong and he could control it if he wanted to.

Sitting here at home on a day that I called in sick to work, I realized that I may be doing the same thing. Even though I believe that my circumstances are totally different and that part of my problem still lies in my grief and fear that I will never be able to bear a child. But, I think I also have gotten myself stuck in a rut. And, it's time to get out of it!

I think I've been stuck in this rut partly because I have been feeling sorry for myself. I also think I like the attention that I've been getting. I must get an ego boost when my friends tell me I am strong. The truth is, I am not strong at all. I have low self esteem, which makes me work for manufactured compliments to think I'm something that I'm not, but desire to be.

I feel as though I have found a new determination, a redirection. I am determined to ACTUALLY be a strong person. I am determined to GET THROUGH this rut. I keep saying that I will lean on God to show me His will. I need to act on my words and do it. I want to actually do everything that I think I should do.

So, here's the redirection. I am going to focus on getting healthy. This includes eating better, working out, cleaning the house, washing clothes, working hard and saving money. I am going to focus on my body and overcoming any issues that may come up, but not putting any effort into worrying about those issues before they arise. I'm not going to be overly concerned about getting pregnant again right now - first I need to heal properly.

My HOPE is to stay motivated with this new direction. I want to be healthy again - both physically and mentally. Here we go...
  

Normal??...

It's been a whole month since I've been on here. I am back to work now and not exactly loving it. I think it's just bittersweet to be there right now. I like getting into a routine again. I like to see my co-worker friends. I enjoy busy days, where I can focus on a task. Other days, it's not so great. I do not like the awkward feeling around the other pregnant/new moms in the office. I am suddenly no longer part of that group. I do not enjoy feeling confused about what is normal and what is not. I seem to make everyone slightly uncomfortable because no one really knows how to act around me. They pretend that everything is fine and normal, while I'm pretending that I'm fine and normal, too. Under the surface though, I seem to be needing some extra sensitivity. I want people to remember what I just went through and I want them to still feel bad for me. I don't know if I'm feeling sorry for myself, if I'm depressed or if it's just the grief coming out. Apparently, according to an assessment that I took, I am "burned out". My supervisor and my manager both suggested that I could take some time off if necessary. My friends think that they are just uncomfortable with the situation and how I'm a bit unstable right now. They maybe don't know how to deal with it, so they are suggesting that I take time off to deal with it myself. Either way, it feels sucky that I'm no longer normal enough for them to want me around.

I believe part of my stress involves the financial course that my husband and I are participating in right now. To have our money so out of control scares me. I hate the fact that it stresses my husband out, too. I feel just helpless when it comes to making things better. I believe that things will get better, but right now I don't know how.

Finally, it seems my body is having a hard time getting back to normal, too. I have been waiting for my period to come, but I am just spotting instead. I have never wanted my period to come so bad. I just want SOMETHING to be normal again. Even if it's one of the hardest parts of being a woman, it's something. But, that's not normal either. There are several reasons this could happen. Stress and hormone levels could delay a period. But, the more scarier option is that my uterus has a good possibility of being scarred from the D & C that I had to have. This is called Asherman's Syndrome. I am praying to God that this is not the case. I keep repeating a quote of Joyce Meyer's to myself - "Worry is a down payment on a problem that may never happen." So, I am consciously trying not to worry about this, even though it is constantly on my mind.

On the flip side, I am sleeping better. I still wake up a couple of times during the night, but my mind isn't racing like it was. I also thought about "what would make me feel like a better person?". My list includes really dumb things that I was ignoring like doing my laundry and keeping dishes out of the sink. I am now committed to making/bringing my lunch to work for at least 4 days/week. I would also like to start working out for 30 minutes a day/3 days a week. This seems like an attainable goal to get started. I guess I need to take baby steps toward being the person I would like to be in order to keep my stress level low.

I just know everything will work out for the best. I am trying to stay positive, since that is a proven method of overcoming issues. I have HOPE and that's a great start...

Last day of freedom...

So, today is my last day of "maternity leave". It's going to be so scary to head back to work on Monday. It has been nice to use these 6 weeks off of work to get my mind and body straightened out again. The problem is that I am not 100%. I don't even know if I am 75%. It seems to be taking a long time to heal emotionally. I feel like I am okay - I mean I'm not breaking down crying every day. But, the problem is the anger. I seem to be harboring a lot of anger. I am angry when I hear about pregnant women. I am angry when I realize that I will not be giving birth to our baby in January. I no longer want to watch any of the pregnancy-related tv shows that I used to love to watch. I seem to want to abuse myself in some way as a punishment. I have been drinking and smoking which is uncommon for me. Even before I was pregnant, I would maybe drink a beer or two in a month. Now, it's daily. I am smoking daily too, which is unusual. Pre-pregnancy, I would really only smoke socially and probably only when I was drinking that one or two beers a month. I am not worried that I have a problem or anything - I just need to beat myself up a bit. It's really hard to explain why this happens, I just keep thinking that when I start trying to get pregnant again I will stop. For now though, it's okay. Let me beat myself up. It's part of the healing process.

My co-workers seem to be excited that I'm coming back. I guess that's nice. They are like family to me. The thing is, I don't really want to talk to many of my real family members right now, so it is pretty intimidating to be faced with my whole office seeing me on Monday. I am probably being dramatic - it feels like I will have a spot light on me when I walk around the office on Monday. Maybe, people haven't even noticed I was gone in the first place. Maybe, people have already forgotten what just happened to me. Maybe, just because I constantly am thinking about it, doesn't mean everyone else is. Maybe.

I just realized that a lot of my posts talk about the "maybe's". I wonder why that is? I guess I feel like I don't have any answers to anything anymore. And, "maybe" that's why I speculate about everything. Hopefully me getting back to work, getting into a routine and being part of society again will help eliminate some questions and alleviate some of my grief. Maybe this will help me become a normal person again. Maybe...

1 week down...

Well, I started blogging one week ago today. I can say that it has really helped. Maybe this is the equivalent of "journaling" that so many people swear by. I, myself, can't journal. I hate handwriting and I get impatient and bored with the process. But, its so much easier to journal electronically. You can type a thought, re-read it, erase or edit if necessary, and basically sound somewhat like an intelligent individual. I like that and I am finding that I love blogging. I don't have any followers (except maybe my husband) and that's just fine. I left my blog open to the public to read, just in case somebody happens to come across it and get something out of my ranting.

So, here I am, sitting with those darn dogs that got loose yesterday. I think everyone is finally cooling off from that emotional rollercoaster that yesterday's event brought on. I know I feel emotionally numb again - not in a bad way - just in a tired of thinking about stuff kind of way. I feel content however, and am planning to do something productive today. Maybe I can bring my donations over to Saver's. Maybe I'll go grocery shopping since I don't think my husband has anything to make for his lunches. Maybe I'll try to make some sort of dinner, too. I just don't want to be sitting around moping again today. I am going to make today a GREAT day!

Side note... I had another dream this morning about taking care of a baby that wasn't mine. This baby was an interracial child, probably about 6-9 months old and was possibly up for adoption. I think my mom was there with me helping me feed the baby corn (cut off the cob). I don't know what the heck these dreams mean, if anything. All I know is while I like having them I don't because I am always looking for the meanings of dreams. And these dreams I definitely don't understand...

Where are my dogs...

What an afternoon we've had. So, as I was deep in thought typing my last post, my husband called me. I was speaking with him on the phone and happened to brag about how quiet our 3 dogs were being in our back yard. He joked that maybe someone opened the gate and let them out. I laughed and decided I should go check on them. As I looked outside, I did not see any dogs. I walked out there and see the gate... wide open. "OH NO! The gate WAS open! The dogs are GONE!", I yelled into the phone. I quickly rushed back into the house to grab my car keys and start the search. As I am driving around yelling their names and asking random people on the street if they've seen any dogs, I am starting to freak out at the realization that my dogs could be gone. Not another tragedy. I was just talking about how I need to snap out of this - how am I going to get over the loss of Bethany if I now have to deal with the loss of my 3 best doggie friends. Oh God, I pled, please please please let me find my kids. What an awful feeling. I kept picturing that I would never see them again. Someone would see how great they are and keep them or they would get injured or killed. I can't lose them too. I just can't.

So, I kept driving. I was trying to think like the dogs. Where would they go? Ah... the park. But, they were not there. Luckily, I happened to ask some people sitting across the street from the park with their own dogs and voila! - they had the answer I was looking for. They said they had seen all 3 dogs and that they were picked up by Animal Control about an hour before. Whew! They were gonna be ok! They could come home again!!

Then a whole new feeling of despair came over me. The next wave of what if's. What if Gus bites the Animal Control officer? What if the officer isn't careful enough with Haley and she re-injures one of her back legs? Oh my... the what if's become endless. Sometimes I really wish I could turn off that what-if mechanism in my head.

Either way, everything worked out. We were able to pick the dogs up and bring them home. They all seem just fine. They probably enjoyed their adventure. I thank God that they are safe. I realized that I have some really great creatures in my life, both human and four-legged. I take for granted that they will always be around. This helped me to appreciate them just a little more. So, I am so thankful for the things I do have and not really thinking about what I don't. Hopefully, this realization lasts in my mind for awhile...

I have to snap out of this...

What a funk I seem to be in. Seriously. My body hurts. My brain hurts. My heart hurts. I'm bored yet don't really want to do anything. I was in bed until at least 11:00 this morning, then fell asleep on the recliner around 12:15, woke up around 12:45 and went back to bed around 1:00 until 2:15 or so. Ugh. What can I do to remedy this funk? One solution keeps coming to mind... start working out. That sounds great, in theory. I mean, wouldn't it be great to get myself into shape? Feel good about my looks? I definitely think it would help me to feel better on the inside - both physically and mentally. Heck yes! The problem is motivation. While all those perks I have listed are great motivating factors, one problem remains... I have NO DESIRE to actually do it. None. This is the reason that I titled this post "I have to snap out of this".

If I don't start forcing myself to feel better, I will continue to unravel. I am sometimes afraid of what will become of me. Am I depressed? Geez, I didn't think so, but maybe I really am and this is what it feels like. I was considering going online to research depression, but God knows I probably can't handle another problem. I feel just awful for my husband. Who in their right mind would want to deal with this on a daily basis? It's bad enough that I have to live with me! It scares me that he has the power to leave. I don't think he would leave me, but I can't understand why he would stick with me. He has started to immerse himself into maintaining our fish tanks. He researches stuff online, looks on Craigslist for more, and is constantly messing with the tanks. It starts to annoy me, but can I really blame him? I mean, it takes him away from reality... me. All I know is that I completely annoy the hell out of myself. How could I not annoy him?

But, then again, maybe its not about me at all. Maybe its his way of mourning or at least trying to work through the loss of the baby. Maybe its not about anything other than he likes to mess with the fish. Maybe I am the only one that has misery constantly on my mind! Ugh. I don't have the answers right now. Who knows if I ever will. All I do know is that I have to snap out of this. I have to.

In all sincerity, I really do not care that my husband messes with the fish tanks. In fact, I appreciate the fact that he is a person who likes to stay busy. He is always working on something. It is one of the things I admire about him. I often feel so lazy and unmotivated and then I watch him in action. Constant action. Maybe I'm just jealous...

Grrr...

I guess I'm just a crank. Whatever. So, I was just perusing my Facebook account and voila... one of my "friends" that is about 8 months along posted a status. She believes she may be "nesting" since she's planning to clean her messy house today. Then, she makes a comment that she'd rather be having her baby today, but that's probably not going to happen. She seems bummed that she needs to wait 3 more weeks. I have seen her complaining a couple of different times on FB about her pregnancy. She is a sweet girl - that I am not doubting. And, she is a great mother of 2 little girls. But, after my circumstances and losing my baby just about 4 weeks ago, I am apparently not sensitive to the discomfort that late pregnancy causes. Instead, I would give anything to be uncomfortable and tired and miserable and anxious to have my baby (at full term that is). So, instead of empathizing with her, I am annoyed with her. How dare she be so whiny! I should be whiny! I just had my baby DIE! And MY body killed her! At least she still has a baby in there! At least her body isn't expelling the baby for no apparent reason! At least she already has 2 cute little girls that can call her "mommy" and she can expect to have another child within the next month! Grrr...

Okay... I know this was a completely unreasonable rant and I'm sorry to my friend that I even had those thoughts. But, I guess I just needed to get it out of my head so that I can move on with my day. Uff da... whoever said time heals must have meant that it takes A LONG time to heal. I'm not feeling it quite yet... in fact I guess some triggers make it worse. Now I am going to pray for some forgiveness, patience and understanding :)

My dream this morning...

I just woke up from the most peaceful, comfortable and precious dream. In fact, I really didn't even want to wake up. It seemed I was in charge of taking care of a beautiful baby boy. I don't know if his mother was in the picture or not (it seemed as though she was and maybe we were just taking care of him while she was away). All I know is that a lot of members of my dad's extended family were at my parents' house to see this little bundle of joy. I was physically in tough shape (as if I had just had a baby myself). I was wearing comfy clothes that were disheveled from me wearing them for a day or two. I was exhausted yet happy. Everyone was encouraging me to eat and rest but all I wanted to do was take care of this little guy before he was taken away from me (assumingly by his mother). Some of the relatives were trying to help with the baby by getting him to eat and sleep. He seemed to only be content when I was holding him. I would stroke his back so lovingly and rock back and forth. He would start to drift off to sleep and it was the most beautiful and comforting feeling ever. Boy, did I love this child. I mean really love him. He was so sweet. I think his name may have been Colton. I remember thinking that if his mother didn't come back for him then maybe I can have him (maybe adopting him?). But, at the same time, it didn't feel as though that would even be necessary. He was already mine. I don't know - it was surreal. I woke up so sad that I couldn't be in that dream anymore because it was so nice to have a little baby to take care of. In the half hour since waking I have been crying. I don't even know what the heck is wrong with me - I know this was a dream but the feelings of utter love for this child were so real. Maybe I will have my own "Colton" some day...

Side note: The dream I had before this one I was getting attacked and bitten by lots of different creepy bugs. Man, I must be losing it!! lol :)

New to this...

Hello-

My name is Jennifer. I am 35 years old and married. I am new to blogging. Really, I have never even read blogs before I lost my baby. I saw the movie Julie and Julia which helped me to even understand the point of blogs and what blogging even was. I have also come across blogs in different internet searches, but never put much stock into them. Now, I find myself reading blogs whenever I need to remember that someone else has felt the pain I feel. And, it really does make me feel better - I am part of a whole new community now. The babyloss community.

Upon returning home after delivering my baby at 19 weeks resulting in her death, I was searching the internet looking for something to help me understand what just happened to me. I remembered that a girl that I have worked with on charity events had recently been featured on a local news story. She had been blogging on her own experience of babyloss just a couple of months before mine. I remember sitting there watching her news story (at the time I was about 12 weeks pregnant myself) thinking "I feel so sorry for her and her husband. She is such a sweet person and this is so tragic. How scary that something like this could happen, especially at 6 months along." I was also selfishly thinking "I hope and pray that nothing like this happens to me and I will have a healthy baby." Well, I guess my pregnancy would end tragically, too. So, I searched for her blog. I wanted to see what she had to say about her experience and wondered if it were at all similar to mine. Her circumstances were different, but our feelings seemed similar in many ways. We both expected to have healthy, full term babies to bring home and raise them to be wonderful people. Instead, we were both faced with having empty arms, empty nurseries, broken hearts and missing our little girls like crazy. Some of her letters to her baby were exactly how I was feeling too - only I hadn't even realized that I had those thoughts or feelings. I hadn't been able to grasp any thoughts yet - I was so numb. I had no idea I felt the same way she did until I read her words and completely sympathized with her. I found that she had created an organization called Faces of Loss Faces of Hope, where I read so many other broken hearted mother's stories about their own babyloss. I learned that reading other people's experiences can be painful yet cathartic.

So, here I am... blogging. It's because I need some help right now. I don't want to actually talk to anyone specifically about what's going on in my head, but I need to communicate it somehow. I'm not in a deep depression or anything, but I do feel down sometimes. I guess I'll try this and see what happens.

More to come, I guess... but, I can say that I am already feeling better.