I have to snap out of this...

What a funk I seem to be in. Seriously. My body hurts. My brain hurts. My heart hurts. I'm bored yet don't really want to do anything. I was in bed until at least 11:00 this morning, then fell asleep on the recliner around 12:15, woke up around 12:45 and went back to bed around 1:00 until 2:15 or so. Ugh. What can I do to remedy this funk? One solution keeps coming to mind... start working out. That sounds great, in theory. I mean, wouldn't it be great to get myself into shape? Feel good about my looks? I definitely think it would help me to feel better on the inside - both physically and mentally. Heck yes! The problem is motivation. While all those perks I have listed are great motivating factors, one problem remains... I have NO DESIRE to actually do it. None. This is the reason that I titled this post "I have to snap out of this".

If I don't start forcing myself to feel better, I will continue to unravel. I am sometimes afraid of what will become of me. Am I depressed? Geez, I didn't think so, but maybe I really am and this is what it feels like. I was considering going online to research depression, but God knows I probably can't handle another problem. I feel just awful for my husband. Who in their right mind would want to deal with this on a daily basis? It's bad enough that I have to live with me! It scares me that he has the power to leave. I don't think he would leave me, but I can't understand why he would stick with me. He has started to immerse himself into maintaining our fish tanks. He researches stuff online, looks on Craigslist for more, and is constantly messing with the tanks. It starts to annoy me, but can I really blame him? I mean, it takes him away from reality... me. All I know is that I completely annoy the hell out of myself. How could I not annoy him?

But, then again, maybe its not about me at all. Maybe its his way of mourning or at least trying to work through the loss of the baby. Maybe its not about anything other than he likes to mess with the fish. Maybe I am the only one that has misery constantly on my mind! Ugh. I don't have the answers right now. Who knows if I ever will. All I do know is that I have to snap out of this. I have to.

In all sincerity, I really do not care that my husband messes with the fish tanks. In fact, I appreciate the fact that he is a person who likes to stay busy. He is always working on something. It is one of the things I admire about him. I often feel so lazy and unmotivated and then I watch him in action. Constant action. Maybe I'm just jealous...