Last day of freedom...

So, today is my last day of "maternity leave". It's going to be so scary to head back to work on Monday. It has been nice to use these 6 weeks off of work to get my mind and body straightened out again. The problem is that I am not 100%. I don't even know if I am 75%. It seems to be taking a long time to heal emotionally. I feel like I am okay - I mean I'm not breaking down crying every day. But, the problem is the anger. I seem to be harboring a lot of anger. I am angry when I hear about pregnant women. I am angry when I realize that I will not be giving birth to our baby in January. I no longer want to watch any of the pregnancy-related tv shows that I used to love to watch. I seem to want to abuse myself in some way as a punishment. I have been drinking and smoking which is uncommon for me. Even before I was pregnant, I would maybe drink a beer or two in a month. Now, it's daily. I am smoking daily too, which is unusual. Pre-pregnancy, I would really only smoke socially and probably only when I was drinking that one or two beers a month. I am not worried that I have a problem or anything - I just need to beat myself up a bit. It's really hard to explain why this happens, I just keep thinking that when I start trying to get pregnant again I will stop. For now though, it's okay. Let me beat myself up. It's part of the healing process.

My co-workers seem to be excited that I'm coming back. I guess that's nice. They are like family to me. The thing is, I don't really want to talk to many of my real family members right now, so it is pretty intimidating to be faced with my whole office seeing me on Monday. I am probably being dramatic - it feels like I will have a spot light on me when I walk around the office on Monday. Maybe, people haven't even noticed I was gone in the first place. Maybe, people have already forgotten what just happened to me. Maybe, just because I constantly am thinking about it, doesn't mean everyone else is. Maybe.

I just realized that a lot of my posts talk about the "maybe's". I wonder why that is? I guess I feel like I don't have any answers to anything anymore. And, "maybe" that's why I speculate about everything. Hopefully me getting back to work, getting into a routine and being part of society again will help eliminate some questions and alleviate some of my grief. Maybe this will help me become a normal person again. Maybe...