I don't know who I am really anymore. I have said that I don't want to be defined by the loss of my baby. I just want to be normal again. But, the honest truth is that I can't be the way I was before. I need to define a new normal.
My friends and family just don't understand. That's the easiest way to explain it. They don't understand that I still need someone to recognize my loss. They don't understand how to empathize with me. The hardest part of expecting some ackowledgement is that my friends and family don't understand the depth of my loss to begin with. Until someone has actually experienced losing a baby like this, you just can't fathom the pain. In the case of losing a parent, grandparent, sibling or even a spouse, there is some sort of empathy that one can have. It's easier to imagine losing one of these members of your own family because you can easily define your relationship with these people. You can easily notice how your life would be so different without them. However, in the baby loss world, it's a little harder for people to identify with because I was the only one who actually got to know my child. My husband didn't even really know her until he saw her after she was born sleeping. My family and friends didn't know her either. Most of these people have children of their own, but they can't compare losing their child with me losing my unborn baby.
Well, I was really confused about this and even spoke in my last posts about the fact that I was possibly feeling sorry for myself because I don't feel like people care anymore. The nice thing is that while I'm feeling like I don't quite fit in with my friends and family, there is a community out there where I do belong now. The baby loss community. I just read another baby loss mom's blog about the same exact thing. She is feeling down because no one seems to want to remember her baby anymore. Everyone is afraid to bring it up and if she brings it up in conversation everyone tightens up and gets really uncomfortable. I can completely relate! I want to talk about my baby. I want to reflect on my pregnancy during some conversations, but the problem is that when I do, it seems to make everyone uncomfortable. At least now I know that this happens to other people, too. I don't feel so bad for being different now. I guess I've been foolish and unrealistic that I could ever get back to the "normal" that I was before. Now, I guess I have to take some time to get to know the new me and start working on a new "normal". It may not be so bad... :)
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Redirecting...
The computer just flashed the word "Redirecting" as I was logging in. This is the perfect word for my new outlook on life... I am redirecting.
I was thinking back to when a friend of mine was "diagnosed" with depression. The reason I put the word diagnosed in quotations, is because I didn't buy the diagnosis. At the time he was diagnosed, he was married with a 7 year old daughter. He was getting drunk and partying every night (usually at a bar), smoking weed regularly (even at work), using other illicit drugs and crossing a fine line with a female friend of ours. This all was damaging his work life and especially his home life. Instead of looking at what he was doing to create all of this damage, he instead went to a doctor and was diagnosed with depression. He told me that all of what he was doing was because of the depression. I told him that I thought he was using this diagnosis as a crutch to keep on doing these things that he shouldn't be doing. If he really wanted to have a good life, he would stop doing the things he knew was wrong. He knew the difference between right and wrong and he could control it if he wanted to.
Sitting here at home on a day that I called in sick to work, I realized that I may be doing the same thing. Even though I believe that my circumstances are totally different and that part of my problem still lies in my grief and fear that I will never be able to bear a child. But, I think I also have gotten myself stuck in a rut. And, it's time to get out of it!
I think I've been stuck in this rut partly because I have been feeling sorry for myself. I also think I like the attention that I've been getting. I must get an ego boost when my friends tell me I am strong. The truth is, I am not strong at all. I have low self esteem, which makes me work for manufactured compliments to think I'm something that I'm not, but desire to be.
I feel as though I have found a new determination, a redirection. I am determined to ACTUALLY be a strong person. I am determined to GET THROUGH this rut. I keep saying that I will lean on God to show me His will. I need to act on my words and do it. I want to actually do everything that I think I should do.
So, here's the redirection. I am going to focus on getting healthy. This includes eating better, working out, cleaning the house, washing clothes, working hard and saving money. I am going to focus on my body and overcoming any issues that may come up, but not putting any effort into worrying about those issues before they arise. I'm not going to be overly concerned about getting pregnant again right now - first I need to heal properly.
My HOPE is to stay motivated with this new direction. I want to be healthy again - both physically and mentally. Here we go...
I was thinking back to when a friend of mine was "diagnosed" with depression. The reason I put the word diagnosed in quotations, is because I didn't buy the diagnosis. At the time he was diagnosed, he was married with a 7 year old daughter. He was getting drunk and partying every night (usually at a bar), smoking weed regularly (even at work), using other illicit drugs and crossing a fine line with a female friend of ours. This all was damaging his work life and especially his home life. Instead of looking at what he was doing to create all of this damage, he instead went to a doctor and was diagnosed with depression. He told me that all of what he was doing was because of the depression. I told him that I thought he was using this diagnosis as a crutch to keep on doing these things that he shouldn't be doing. If he really wanted to have a good life, he would stop doing the things he knew was wrong. He knew the difference between right and wrong and he could control it if he wanted to.
Sitting here at home on a day that I called in sick to work, I realized that I may be doing the same thing. Even though I believe that my circumstances are totally different and that part of my problem still lies in my grief and fear that I will never be able to bear a child. But, I think I also have gotten myself stuck in a rut. And, it's time to get out of it!
I think I've been stuck in this rut partly because I have been feeling sorry for myself. I also think I like the attention that I've been getting. I must get an ego boost when my friends tell me I am strong. The truth is, I am not strong at all. I have low self esteem, which makes me work for manufactured compliments to think I'm something that I'm not, but desire to be.
I feel as though I have found a new determination, a redirection. I am determined to ACTUALLY be a strong person. I am determined to GET THROUGH this rut. I keep saying that I will lean on God to show me His will. I need to act on my words and do it. I want to actually do everything that I think I should do.
So, here's the redirection. I am going to focus on getting healthy. This includes eating better, working out, cleaning the house, washing clothes, working hard and saving money. I am going to focus on my body and overcoming any issues that may come up, but not putting any effort into worrying about those issues before they arise. I'm not going to be overly concerned about getting pregnant again right now - first I need to heal properly.
My HOPE is to stay motivated with this new direction. I want to be healthy again - both physically and mentally. Here we go...
Normal??...
It's been a whole month since I've been on here. I am back to work now and not exactly loving it. I think it's just bittersweet to be there right now. I like getting into a routine again. I like to see my co-worker friends. I enjoy busy days, where I can focus on a task. Other days, it's not so great. I do not like the awkward feeling around the other pregnant/new moms in the office. I am suddenly no longer part of that group. I do not enjoy feeling confused about what is normal and what is not. I seem to make everyone slightly uncomfortable because no one really knows how to act around me. They pretend that everything is fine and normal, while I'm pretending that I'm fine and normal, too. Under the surface though, I seem to be needing some extra sensitivity. I want people to remember what I just went through and I want them to still feel bad for me. I don't know if I'm feeling sorry for myself, if I'm depressed or if it's just the grief coming out. Apparently, according to an assessment that I took, I am "burned out". My supervisor and my manager both suggested that I could take some time off if necessary. My friends think that they are just uncomfortable with the situation and how I'm a bit unstable right now. They maybe don't know how to deal with it, so they are suggesting that I take time off to deal with it myself. Either way, it feels sucky that I'm no longer normal enough for them to want me around.
I believe part of my stress involves the financial course that my husband and I are participating in right now. To have our money so out of control scares me. I hate the fact that it stresses my husband out, too. I feel just helpless when it comes to making things better. I believe that things will get better, but right now I don't know how.
Finally, it seems my body is having a hard time getting back to normal, too. I have been waiting for my period to come, but I am just spotting instead. I have never wanted my period to come so bad. I just want SOMETHING to be normal again. Even if it's one of the hardest parts of being a woman, it's something. But, that's not normal either. There are several reasons this could happen. Stress and hormone levels could delay a period. But, the more scarier option is that my uterus has a good possibility of being scarred from the D & C that I had to have. This is called Asherman's Syndrome. I am praying to God that this is not the case. I keep repeating a quote of Joyce Meyer's to myself - "Worry is a down payment on a problem that may never happen." So, I am consciously trying not to worry about this, even though it is constantly on my mind.
On the flip side, I am sleeping better. I still wake up a couple of times during the night, but my mind isn't racing like it was. I also thought about "what would make me feel like a better person?". My list includes really dumb things that I was ignoring like doing my laundry and keeping dishes out of the sink. I am now committed to making/bringing my lunch to work for at least 4 days/week. I would also like to start working out for 30 minutes a day/3 days a week. This seems like an attainable goal to get started. I guess I need to take baby steps toward being the person I would like to be in order to keep my stress level low.
I just know everything will work out for the best. I am trying to stay positive, since that is a proven method of overcoming issues. I have HOPE and that's a great start...
I believe part of my stress involves the financial course that my husband and I are participating in right now. To have our money so out of control scares me. I hate the fact that it stresses my husband out, too. I feel just helpless when it comes to making things better. I believe that things will get better, but right now I don't know how.
Finally, it seems my body is having a hard time getting back to normal, too. I have been waiting for my period to come, but I am just spotting instead. I have never wanted my period to come so bad. I just want SOMETHING to be normal again. Even if it's one of the hardest parts of being a woman, it's something. But, that's not normal either. There are several reasons this could happen. Stress and hormone levels could delay a period. But, the more scarier option is that my uterus has a good possibility of being scarred from the D & C that I had to have. This is called Asherman's Syndrome. I am praying to God that this is not the case. I keep repeating a quote of Joyce Meyer's to myself - "Worry is a down payment on a problem that may never happen." So, I am consciously trying not to worry about this, even though it is constantly on my mind.
On the flip side, I am sleeping better. I still wake up a couple of times during the night, but my mind isn't racing like it was. I also thought about "what would make me feel like a better person?". My list includes really dumb things that I was ignoring like doing my laundry and keeping dishes out of the sink. I am now committed to making/bringing my lunch to work for at least 4 days/week. I would also like to start working out for 30 minutes a day/3 days a week. This seems like an attainable goal to get started. I guess I need to take baby steps toward being the person I would like to be in order to keep my stress level low.
I just know everything will work out for the best. I am trying to stay positive, since that is a proven method of overcoming issues. I have HOPE and that's a great start...
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