Normal??...

It's been a whole month since I've been on here. I am back to work now and not exactly loving it. I think it's just bittersweet to be there right now. I like getting into a routine again. I like to see my co-worker friends. I enjoy busy days, where I can focus on a task. Other days, it's not so great. I do not like the awkward feeling around the other pregnant/new moms in the office. I am suddenly no longer part of that group. I do not enjoy feeling confused about what is normal and what is not. I seem to make everyone slightly uncomfortable because no one really knows how to act around me. They pretend that everything is fine and normal, while I'm pretending that I'm fine and normal, too. Under the surface though, I seem to be needing some extra sensitivity. I want people to remember what I just went through and I want them to still feel bad for me. I don't know if I'm feeling sorry for myself, if I'm depressed or if it's just the grief coming out. Apparently, according to an assessment that I took, I am "burned out". My supervisor and my manager both suggested that I could take some time off if necessary. My friends think that they are just uncomfortable with the situation and how I'm a bit unstable right now. They maybe don't know how to deal with it, so they are suggesting that I take time off to deal with it myself. Either way, it feels sucky that I'm no longer normal enough for them to want me around.

I believe part of my stress involves the financial course that my husband and I are participating in right now. To have our money so out of control scares me. I hate the fact that it stresses my husband out, too. I feel just helpless when it comes to making things better. I believe that things will get better, but right now I don't know how.

Finally, it seems my body is having a hard time getting back to normal, too. I have been waiting for my period to come, but I am just spotting instead. I have never wanted my period to come so bad. I just want SOMETHING to be normal again. Even if it's one of the hardest parts of being a woman, it's something. But, that's not normal either. There are several reasons this could happen. Stress and hormone levels could delay a period. But, the more scarier option is that my uterus has a good possibility of being scarred from the D & C that I had to have. This is called Asherman's Syndrome. I am praying to God that this is not the case. I keep repeating a quote of Joyce Meyer's to myself - "Worry is a down payment on a problem that may never happen." So, I am consciously trying not to worry about this, even though it is constantly on my mind.

On the flip side, I am sleeping better. I still wake up a couple of times during the night, but my mind isn't racing like it was. I also thought about "what would make me feel like a better person?". My list includes really dumb things that I was ignoring like doing my laundry and keeping dishes out of the sink. I am now committed to making/bringing my lunch to work for at least 4 days/week. I would also like to start working out for 30 minutes a day/3 days a week. This seems like an attainable goal to get started. I guess I need to take baby steps toward being the person I would like to be in order to keep my stress level low.

I just know everything will work out for the best. I am trying to stay positive, since that is a proven method of overcoming issues. I have HOPE and that's a great start...