Redirecting...

The computer just flashed the word "Redirecting" as I was logging in. This is the perfect word for my new outlook on life... I am redirecting.

I was thinking back to when a friend of mine was "diagnosed" with depression. The reason I put the word diagnosed in quotations, is because I didn't buy the diagnosis. At the time he was diagnosed, he was married with a 7 year old daughter. He was getting drunk and partying every night (usually at a bar), smoking weed regularly (even at work), using other illicit drugs and crossing a fine line with a female friend of ours. This all was damaging his work life and especially his home life. Instead of looking at what he was doing to create all of this damage, he instead went to a doctor and was diagnosed with depression. He told me that all of what he was doing was because of the depression. I told him that I thought he was using this diagnosis as a crutch to keep on doing these things that he shouldn't be doing. If he really wanted to have a good life, he would stop doing the things he knew was wrong. He knew the difference between right and wrong and he could control it if he wanted to.

Sitting here at home on a day that I called in sick to work, I realized that I may be doing the same thing. Even though I believe that my circumstances are totally different and that part of my problem still lies in my grief and fear that I will never be able to bear a child. But, I think I also have gotten myself stuck in a rut. And, it's time to get out of it!

I think I've been stuck in this rut partly because I have been feeling sorry for myself. I also think I like the attention that I've been getting. I must get an ego boost when my friends tell me I am strong. The truth is, I am not strong at all. I have low self esteem, which makes me work for manufactured compliments to think I'm something that I'm not, but desire to be.

I feel as though I have found a new determination, a redirection. I am determined to ACTUALLY be a strong person. I am determined to GET THROUGH this rut. I keep saying that I will lean on God to show me His will. I need to act on my words and do it. I want to actually do everything that I think I should do.

So, here's the redirection. I am going to focus on getting healthy. This includes eating better, working out, cleaning the house, washing clothes, working hard and saving money. I am going to focus on my body and overcoming any issues that may come up, but not putting any effort into worrying about those issues before they arise. I'm not going to be overly concerned about getting pregnant again right now - first I need to heal properly.

My HOPE is to stay motivated with this new direction. I want to be healthy again - both physically and mentally. Here we go...