I don't know who I am really anymore. I have said that I don't want to be defined by the loss of my baby. I just want to be normal again. But, the honest truth is that I can't be the way I was before. I need to define a new normal.
My friends and family just don't understand. That's the easiest way to explain it. They don't understand that I still need someone to recognize my loss. They don't understand how to empathize with me. The hardest part of expecting some ackowledgement is that my friends and family don't understand the depth of my loss to begin with. Until someone has actually experienced losing a baby like this, you just can't fathom the pain. In the case of losing a parent, grandparent, sibling or even a spouse, there is some sort of empathy that one can have. It's easier to imagine losing one of these members of your own family because you can easily define your relationship with these people. You can easily notice how your life would be so different without them. However, in the baby loss world, it's a little harder for people to identify with because I was the only one who actually got to know my child. My husband didn't even really know her until he saw her after she was born sleeping. My family and friends didn't know her either. Most of these people have children of their own, but they can't compare losing their child with me losing my unborn baby.
Well, I was really confused about this and even spoke in my last posts about the fact that I was possibly feeling sorry for myself because I don't feel like people care anymore. The nice thing is that while I'm feeling like I don't quite fit in with my friends and family, there is a community out there where I do belong now. The baby loss community. I just read another baby loss mom's blog about the same exact thing. She is feeling down because no one seems to want to remember her baby anymore. Everyone is afraid to bring it up and if she brings it up in conversation everyone tightens up and gets really uncomfortable. I can completely relate! I want to talk about my baby. I want to reflect on my pregnancy during some conversations, but the problem is that when I do, it seems to make everyone uncomfortable. At least now I know that this happens to other people, too. I don't feel so bad for being different now. I guess I've been foolish and unrealistic that I could ever get back to the "normal" that I was before. Now, I guess I have to take some time to get to know the new me and start working on a new "normal". It may not be so bad... :)
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