One more month...

At work, I keep telling myself "just one more month". One more month of having to deal with my pregnant co-workers. The two pregos that are left are both due within the next month. This week has hit me especially hard because reminders seem to be right in front of my face on a consistent basis.

It started last Friday when my manager asked me if I had plans to coordinate a gift card gift for my supervisor, Stacy. I normally do this sort of thing for our group, so it's just natural that I would be in charge of this. However, I hadn't planned on getting her a gift card. I thought since this was her second child, she didn't really need one! Although, I guess I didn't think about the fact that we do usually get a gift card for any new baby. Anyway, my manager asked if I would be okay sending an email to the group and collecting the money from the other employees. I, of course, said YES! I would be just fine doing this! The thing is, I am fine doing it. It doesn't really bother me at all. The problem is when I realized that they probably would have been doing the same thing for me right now and now they have no reason to.

Another "trigger" was when Stacy bumped into the desk with her belly. She has popped in the last week or so, and she's not used to the belly quite yet. You see, our due dates were just 2 weeks apart, so watching her getting bigger and bigger sometimes seems to hit me between the eyes. I should be that big right now.

Then, on Wednesday I realized that there was a small baby shower being held in honor of the other pregnant girl in our office. She is due in a couple of weeks. She was about 4 weeks ahead of my due date. 

On Thursday, my desk mate, whose wife is 22 weeks prego with twins, got a frantic call from her. She was scared. Something wasn't right. I could hear her freaking out on the phone and he had to leave quickly to meet her at the clinic.  This brought back a FLOOD of emotion and flashbacks. I was so scared for them. And, I was sad for myself again because I still can't believe I went through losing my baby. As of now, everything is okay with her. Me, on the other hand, I'm not sure.

And then we come to today. I was fine. I went to my 8:15 meeting this morning where my branch manager announced that one girl was back from maternity leave; another girl was due in 2 weeks; Stacy is due in 5 weeks; and to "not drink the water" because EVERYONE is pregnant! Isn't it GREAT?!?! Well, not for me. I have to be honest... it's a bummer for me. It's hard enough to walk around the office and be faced with pregos. And now I'm in a meeting and it's a TOPIC OF CONVERSATION?!?!?! Thanks a lot everyone for thinking about my feelings. So, what happened? I started to tear up. Then, our training started - the FISH philosophy video - and I started to CRY. Since no one would understand why the FISH video would make me cry, I decided to step away from the meeting and hide in the bathroom. That wasn't quite good enough, so I went outside to smoke. That still didn't quite help completely, but at least it numbed some of the pain.

So, I figure I have to stay strong for one more month. Once these ladies that are so close to my due date have their babies, it will help me to move forward. When I get through Christmas and past my due date, it will help me to move forward. I just need to continue with forward progress. Weeks like this week made me feel as if I was starting to move backward again. I just need to wait one more month...

Closure...

Well, today we buried little Bethany. She was buried in a group service at Resurrection Cemetery, where her brother was also buried exactly 9 months ago today. The service was so nice and reassured us that Bethany is in a beautiful, peaceful place now. I know that we wish she could still be growing in my belly right now, but I guess the idea that she is in Heaven playing with her brother and Sasha and Buddy is very comforting. She is also buried very close to her brother which made me feel better too. We stood by his head stone during the graveside service.

I am feeling confident and hopeful that Dave and I will never have to experience burying a child again. We are going to stay positive that when we get pregnant again we will have much better results. It dawned on me during the service today that losing Hank and Bethany has changed me. While I am so sad that they are gone, losing them has strengthened my faith and softened my heart. For this, I am thankful.

So, even though I labeled this post "closure" doesn't mean that my feelings are gone. It's just the start of the next chapter in my life and progress in moving forward. I will never forget Bethany and Hank - they will forever hold a piece of my heart.

Rest in Peace to my Angel Babies:
Baby Boy "Hank" Anderson taken from me on October 13, 2009 and buried February 6, 2010
Bethany Sara Anderson born/died August 8, 2010 and buried November 6, 2010
Mommy and Daddy will always love you both! We will meet again someday...